Friday, August 3, 2012

Might as well

It's been a long while (over 1-1/2 years) since I've blogged anything (sounds like the beginning of all my journal entries). Huh. That went really fast. I'm not so good at recording my life history. Sorry self and future generations, should any of this even survive that long.

So here I am 36 weeks pregnant with #4, a girl, who we think we are going to name Ella after my grandpa's grandma. And all I want to do is sleep...really. I have a whole list of things that my brain tells me I should be doing and need to be doing ranging from housework to organization to teaching the kids, experiencing all sorts of amazing life things/knowledge with my kids, finding new, healthy and cheap meal ideas, exercising, socializing, making and recording memories, etc, etc, but all I want to do is sleep. It doesn't feel so much like a depression thing as it does an "I'm a 35 year old pregnant woman who is entitled to some rest and relaxation this lazy summer while I make a baby" kind of feeling. I know, downright Diva of me, right?

Here has been my lazy baby-growing schedule the last 2-3 weeks (okay, let's be honest, at least a month or more):
-Wake up about 8:30/9:00 ish to either kids fighting or asking me when I'm finally going to get up. If the kids haven't already made themselves some breakfast, I'll pull out the cereal and milk and yell, "Come eat Breakfast!" I'll eat, maybe shower, make sure the kids have showered and dressed, then go back to bed for an hour nap.
-Get up about 10:30 and maybe throw a load of laundry in the washer if Reagan already hasn't, take a shower if I already haven't, and get dressed in big, over-sized, make me feel like an elephant maternity clothes. YAY!
-Take the kids to the free school lunch program because 1) I don't have to make lunch, and 2) I don't have money for groceries anyway.
-Get home and take another nap because apparently watching my children eat wears me out completely. This time I sleep for about 2-3 hours while my children clean their rooms, do their jobs, do my jobs or wreak havoc. Give or take, it's a toss up and surprise each day.
-About this time I start thinking, "Well, I'd better make it look like I did something today, so I'll make my bed, and maybe do some dishes. Oh, I guess I'd better think about dinner." So I putter around at a snail's pace trying not to moan too loudly as my aching back tries to keep me from walking at all. (I know, poor, poor mommy).
-By time I've moved the pace of molasses, we finally eat dinner around 7:30/8:00 (yes, I've been working on the kitchen and dinner for almost three hours). The awesome little people I've bored into submission, clean up most of the mess from dinner, and I putter around some more trying to feel like I've accomplished something, but give up and go get in bed, though not before yelling outside at the kids who are trampoline junkies to come inside and get ready for bed.
-An hour or so later, the kids finally have pajamas on, their teeth might be brushed and we might have read a story. Ryan has come home somewhere in this weird time frame and we say  family prayer. The kids watch or touch my belly as baby sister moves around for a bit, they kiss my belly goodnight and we all go to bed. Though, not really, because then the girls read books and laugh and giggle (or argue) together until about 11:00, Ryder stays up reading, playing with legos or "cleaning his room" (still haven't figured that one out since it still looks like Mt St. Helen's just went off in there each morning) till about midnight, and Ryan and I are watching our DVRed NCIS, Big Bang Theory, or How I Met Your Mother till each of us randomly falls asleep with the tv still on.
-Next, the real fun begins, the I'm-so-uncomfortable-how-am-I-possibly-going-to-acutally-get-some-real-sleep kind of fun. Mix that with "Holy moly I've got to pee again, RIGHT NOW" and "Man, why are the commercials of the still-on tv so dang loud?" and we have a recipe for maybe 3 hours of sleep. After getting up, honest-to-goodness, 4-5 times just to pee, then turn off the tv, roll over (which takes at least 5 minutes) a good five times each night, I guess it's no wonder that I feel the need to sleep all dang day.

So there you have it folks, my lazy summer. I have made a schedule of what I call fun themed days to make my kids believe we really are having a fun summer, as follows: Baking day (we make a treat to give away and not eat it all by ourselves, though this one has kind of bombed because you need groceries to actually make something), Game day (play board games, the Wii, or anything else that could be fun without too much physical effort on my part), Library/Reading day (my voracious readers and their mother get to read all day long if they want), Movie day (I bought dollar theater movie passes where once a week they are entertained for 1-1/2 hours while I take a nap in a cool, dark theater), and Field trip/swimming day (the one day a week we go do something fun-ish). So far, so good. I have them fooled into thinking we are having a grand ol' time, most of the time anyway.

In the meantime, the house (I mean the upstairs of the house) is barely maintained and all the organizing that needs to take place in the basement is continuing to gather dust and I continue to wish I was always asleep Sad thing is, summer time is slipping quickly away. I really am sad to see school starting again, especially before baby is due to arrive..I'm not looking forward to the rigid schedule or the homework or the missing my babies were gathered around me all day feeling while feeling even more sleep-deprived with a newborn in the house. I wish the kids could have had the whole summer to play with her before going back to school. At this point, she will be here the week after they start school, which should be really interesting in the "who is going to take care of the kids and get them to and from school while I am giving birth to kid-servant #4?" department. I want Ryan at the hospital with me as much as possible, so I still have that detail to work out, along with a bajillion others.

For instance, where do we put this new angel? Right now, all the baby stuff sits waiting in the front room, because we really don't have anywhere for her to land. We were hoping Ryder's room, but as I mentioned before, Mt. St. Helen's, right? I still don't have the crib up, I don't have the car seat ready/washed, I don't have my bags packed, I haven't pre-registered at the hospital, I haven't even toured the hospital I've never given birth at before (and frankly, don't want to), I haven't talked with insurance co yet because I really don't want to be told how much I'm going to have to pay (didn't have this insurance for the birth of any of the other kids), and so on and so on. Blah, blah, blah.

So why am I posting today? 1) To get out of doing other work that I'm supposed to be doing right now, of course. 2) Hoping to show myself the reality of my ridiculousness so I can be shocked back into actually doing something other than sleeping, 3) I feel like I owe the world a confession/apology for some odd reason as to why I have not been contributing to the greater good, or to any good for that matter.

And there you have it (while my awesome Reagan just did a load of laundry and is now, on her own accord, voluntarily cleaning and vacuuming out the couches upstairs). Happy reading. Maybe you'll hear from me again tomorrow when I tell you I actually got something done. Here's to hoping.

p.s. Thank goodness for my children who have worked their butts off this summer to do their jobs without any real incentive other than they like to help me out (and not get yelled at, I'm such a good mom). They have totally been my sanity-savers this summer. And also thanks for a husband who hasn't left me with all the intensely aggressive emotions that come spewing out of my mouth. Wow...I am a piece of work. Old and pregnant is really not a good combination. Whose idea was this anyway. Sheesh!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Five Things I'm Thankful For

Apparently, I fell off the "I'm Thankful" wagon. Here goes my attempt to get back on.

I am thankful for:

1) My hard-working, beaten down, criticized, abused and driven, amazing husband (caveat: I never said I wouldn't be grateful for the same thing more than once). All you nay-sayers, say what you want, but not here on MY blog. If you do, I am telling you right now that I will delete it.

While he, nor I, nor you are perfect, he tries so very hard to do what is right, especially in regards to the great stewardship of the thing called politics (Utah's 2011 Legislative session just convened). While I understand "the media" has a job to do, I have a severe dislike for the way they distort things and make mountains out of molehills (or absolutely nothing for that matter). My husband spends so much time defending the choices he makes, which I understand comes with politics, but the downright meanness kills me. If you have an issue with a decision he made, just talk to him. No need to name call, belittle, begrudge or even dislike. Just ask and find out why he made the choice he did. Don't assume he is corrupt. Don't assume he did it blindly or ignorantly. Don't assume he can't or won't do anything to improve a situation. Don't assume any politician is corrupt for that matter. I have met many good and amazing people/lifetime friends on both sides of the aisle in our journey with the Legislature. My view of politicians has done a complete turn-about. Most politicians are good and honorable men and women who have the desire to do what is best for the people, the state, the nation, etc. I am sickened (yep, that's right, literally sickened, if only you could see the lump in my throat and feel the pit in my stomach) by the assumptions people make about my husband, especially when 95% have NEVER BOTHERED TO SPEAK WITH HIM OR HAVE AN AMICABLE CONSERVATION WITH HIM.

I am married to my hero, and while I don't think it would help him any for me to try and defend him in the public arena, I will do it here, among friends and family who also know what a wonderful man he is.

So to all the nay-sayers: while he is taking higher ground and NOT pointing out the flaws in YOUR logic, or questioning YOUR sanity, or saying horrible, demeaning and untrue things about YOU, let ME take a stand to tell you all that YOU ARE WRONG in your assumptions and I, as one of his most ardent admirers, will continue to support and defend him regardless of your opinion. While I may not be able to do so with great words that move people to riot (as YOU do), I will do it nonetheless. Frankly, if you think you can do it better, go for it. I encourage anyone who believes they can make a real difference and have something to offer to their community, state, nation to run for office. I think everyone should be in political office (and wait tables) at some point in their lives. The world would be a lot more compassionate place to live. So there... (now I am stepping off my soapbox).

2) Princess dress-up clothes. My daughters and their friends are entertained for HOURS in Imagination Land while I get loads of other "stuff" done. I love to see my princesses twirl and flit and prance around my living room. In my heart, I wish I was as light and carefree and felt as beautiful and elegant as they do as they imagine. I remember that feeling and hope to find it in my own heart again one day.

3) The scriptures. I am currently reading "The Book of Mormon Made Easier" by David J. Ridges... and I love it. I keep pen, a scripture-reading journal and my marking pencil handy as I spend time studying, not just casually reading, The Book of Mormon. I know it's true and I love the power I feel in our home as I read and learn and apply.

4) Good books. I LOVE to read. I read when I shouldn't. I read when I need to be transcribing, or doing laundry, or making dinner or even sleeping (heaven forbid). I love to read (did I mention that). Even more, I love that I have to yell at my son to stop reading and get his shoes on because his ride for school will be here any minute!

5a) I LOVE DISNEYLAND! While I totally get that Main Street staying open a good 1/2 hour before the park does and remains open a full hour after the park closes is just to snag my money and make a profit (along with the astronomical price of admission), I would do it all again to see the looks on my kid's faces, to hear their spontaneous laughter and squeals of joy as as we played together! I hope they NEVER forget the fun we had there. I know I never will!

5b) Family vacations. It was so nice to take off the heavy coat of responsibility and just go play and make memories with my family (of course it made it that much harder to put the darn thing back on when we pulled into the driveway, sob, sob). This will definitely not be the last time we do that!

What five things are YOU thankful for?

Monday, October 25, 2010

October 24. 2010

Five things I am thankful for today:

1) The quarterly Wilcox Family birthday party. While we all inevitably spend the first 30 minutes or so in the uncomfortable we-haven't-seen-or-talked-with-each-other-since-the-last-birthday-party kind of awkwardness, by the end of the night, we are hugging and chatting and sharing our lives once again. So many different personalities, so many walks of life, so many life experiences all in one room, in one family! How blessed I am to be a part of it!

2) The strength of Sarah, Stephanie, Rachel, Spencer, Amanda and Aaron. Oneal has been gone almost 2-1/2 years now... hard years for all of us, but especially for his wife and children. I can't imagine the sorrow and demons with which they've had to struggle. I anticipate the trials rippling from his death are not past, but I am thankful for their continued faith and stick-to-it-ness. I pray to never understand first hand or experience this variety of pain, but I hope to be as strong as they when faced with adversity. Oh, how I love you guys!

3) The unconditional love of Grandma Betty. She is and always has been one of the most loving people I know. When I grow up, I want to be like Gma Betty. It has been one year since Grandpa died... (another spiritual giant whom I greatly admire and respect). My insightful husband took opportunity to call her on the anniversary of his death and talked with her for hours, asking her questions about their lives together and then recording them for future generations. Oh how I love them. Even with Gpa gone, I still think of them as a duo. I always find safety in her embraces... and I love watching my children experience her love as well.

4) Chelsie's yummy pumpkin bars. I love Fall. I love pumpkin. I love homemade cream cheese frosting. Put all of them together and I am one happy gal! Chelsie is one of the best bakers I know and so when I found her pumpkin bar recipe on her blog, I snatched it up right away and made a batch for family party! Thank goodness there were so many desserts that I got to bring half the sheet of cake home! My cute sis-in-law Jenny used to make pumpkin bars. While making them I couldn't help but think of her. I hope she knows how much I love her. I hope she knows I deeply regret not taking opportunity to share more of our lives together before she left. I hope she know I miss her.

5) Time spent with my babies and their awesome daddy! We were finishing up construction of the desk and watched the show "BABIES" together as a family while we did it. While there was a some biology/anatomy I wasn't planning on having to explain to my children, it was a fun show to watch and my kids got a kick out it! I got to hold my J and cuddle with my M.R. and giggle with my R. They (kids and dad) all want another baby in the house, so they enjoyed seeing one first hand since Mommy still isn't on board with the idea.

Why is that? (I keep wondering to myself...and now you). Why am I not ready? My current baby is already three years old... the other kids only have 2 to 2-1/2 years between them... Even if i were to get pregnant now (oh boy), there would be four years between them. I keep feeling like something is wrong with me in that I have such little desire to have another baby. I have fairly easy pregnancies, relatively easy deliveries, so I feel like a big, whiny baby; BUT emotionally, I REALLY struggle all throughout pregnancy and even the 1-1/2 years ensuing. I take a long time to emotionally recover. I don't know if that's a chemical thing or a maturity thing... but whenever I think about having another child, I think about regression. I don't think I am spiritually mature enough to handle that right now... maybe I should exercise some faith and go for it anyway. Time will tell, I guess.

Wow.... Didn't expect the telling of that thankful point to lead to this... Hmmm... gonna go now.

What five things are YOU thankful for TODAY?

October 23, 2010

Five things I am thankful for TODAY:

1) Beautiful Fall scenery at the trout farm. The colors were so vibrant and the rain completely enhanced that! It was a joy to be outdoors, even though it was pouring rain. We were protected from the wetness by a bowery, so we could thoroughly enjoy the hot cocoa and conversation.

Watching the intense colors and being thankful for their beauty got me thinking about the changing of seasons. There are so many lessons Heavenly Father teaches us in just the changes and contrasts. I can think of all sorts of analogies ranging from the pride cycle, to death, to spiritual progression and putting off the natural man. The most interesting thing about the Autumn season is how much intense beauty there is in the dying of the foliage. We usually don't associate the word "beauty" with death or dying yet many of us describe the changing leaves this time of year as beautiful... and isn't interesting that Halloween is this time of year, associating death with ugliness and scary things? YET, because we can all are drawn to the changing colors and joys of nature this time of year, don't you think He is trying to show us something, teach us something about death, in all it's forms? What is it teaching you?

2) Bella's Mexican Grill. Joe Cottam is one amazing person. He and his dad run the show and though I don't know many details, I am thoroughly impressed with the way they run their business. First, their food is DELICIOUS and second, they donate as much as they possibly can to the community. I see them everywhere! And it's not just a promoting their business kind of thing... they want to serve and you can truly sense that. I don't think I've ever thought of a food establishment as a service, but Bella's is. I encourage anyone who reads this (all two of you), to frequent Joe's place as often as you can.

3) All the candidates and elected officials who participated in our "Meet the Candidate" night. Lt. Governor Bell, Congressman Rob Bishop, Kerry Gibson (candidate for Weber County Commission), Terry Thompson (candidate for Weber County Sheriff), Ricky Hatch (candidate for Weber County Clerk/Auditor) braved the weather and had a great time. I, unfortunately, didn't get to hear anything they had to say in that my self-assigned station was at the entrance keeping track of the attendance, but I am thankful they came to support Ryan and to meet the good people of our district.

4) The good people of our district, friends and family who also braved the weather. We had over 125 people in attendance. Imagine what would have happened if the weather cooperated. I think we are going to make this an annual thing. It's just too much fun and just too beautiful to pass that up!

5) My amazing husband. There just aren't words to describe his dedication and talents. I am amazed daily by what he does. He is balancing 10-20 hard things every minute of every day. The only time he rests, is when he sleeps...and those hours seem to be less and less these days. It has been a joy to watch him blossom in his different roles. He is a smart man, a logical man, a compassionate man and it is fun to see those qualities enhanced and used in such a beautiful manner. As his wife, I get to see first-hand how he deliberates over things, how he worries and prays and ponders what it is he should do... not just with politics, but in all aspects of life. It is truly an honor to be his wife. Many times I stand back in awe...I feel like I am one of his groupies! He would be embarrassed by all this, so I will conclude. BUT let it be known to all of internet-land and the blogging world, that I think my intelligent, passionate, loving, witty, handsome, spiritual giant of a man is the best thing that ever could have happened to me!

What five things are YOU thankful for TODAY?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

October 22, 2010.....

Today I am thankful for:
1) R's friends who showed up to support him with his Reflections Entry. The theme this year is "Together we can..." R has filled in the blank with ..."make a better community." He knew as soon as he brought the entry form home that he wanted to make a movie about cleaning up trash around the neighborhood, specifically the empty lot just down the street from us. He made a sign-up sheet to show all his friends at school, I sent a parent note stating the details and POOF! We had a handful of volunteers show up to help us! Unfortunately, because I don't seem to think more than one day ahead, sometimes just a couple of hours, I failed to charge the battery of the video camera! Thank goodness for friends who are camera-ready and willing to drive it down to me, more specifically Heather (see previous blog entry). We spent an hour and felt really good about what we were doing! I am so thankful for R's supportive friends and their parents! Now if only we had given him a lesson in filmography before we got started...
2) Frozen pizza when dinner plans fall through and I have three hungry gremlins threatening to tear down the house if I don't feed them ASAP!

3) Plans for a fun 2nd grade Halloween party and fun mothers to work with to do it. I have made a brand new friend in the process.

4) Clean laundry (not folded or put away and currently piled on my kitchen cabinet so that I will do it sooner than later... but CLEAN nonetheless)!

5. Serving in the Primary! I LOVE my calling! I LOVE teaching these kids. I LOVE teaching the basic gospel truths where the Spirit can testify to their hearts and mine. I LOVE primary songs and the simple but poignant doctrine therein and the spirit they bring. And I LOVE that my babies get to hear and see my testimony in action in a more concentrated setting (away from all the whining and yelling and fighting from them and the "clean your rooms" and "turn off the tv" and "NOW" from me).

What are five things YOU are thankful for TODAY?

p.s. No matter what I've done, I can't seem to fix the bold in some places and different fonts and sizes! How funny!

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Well, I've noticed that when the "trials" of life weigh me down, it is because I am forgetting to be grateful. Soooo, while all is good in Me-Land, I figured I'd gather some insurance, an arsenal per se, of happy thoughts for the days when pixie dust just can't be found and all I can hear is the tick-tock of the clock in that wiley gator's belly telling me how quickly my time for positive change is running out.

In line with President Monson's address regarding Living with Gratitude as well as President Eyring's talk a few (maybe one or two) sessions back about looking for and recording the hand of God in our lives daily, I want to check in here regularly (hopefully daily) to list at least five things I am grateful for and why. Please feel free to leave your own lists as well. Let's be thankful together!

1. Crockpots full of yummy dinner after longs days with preschool and piano lessons, and that after eight weeks of teaching this school year, I finally had the foresight to put something together BEFORE I left this morning!

2. Cilantro (yum). It makes everything tastes fresh and healthy and gourmet-ish (at least to my taste buds).

3. Brenda. She lets my independent princess just walk right into her home every other day, gives her a safe place to land and be loved and even feeds her yummy, nutritious lunches while I'm away!

4. My Gma & Gpa Beckstrom. Not only are they THE examples I look to in my family for their love of God, family, me and mine, but today they drove 35 min to attend a 15-min Kindergarten lunch with my princess. I was so honored they would do that for me/her. LOVE THEM!

Heather. She not only is my sweet friend that lifts me and inspires me and encourages me to be my best self with her awesome advice, listening ear, and powerhouse example, but we can laugh our guts out about all the "mom" things and all the life things and just find joy in living. We have a mutual appreciation for and love of music and even get to sing together regularly. Our kids are best friends and beg to go to each others houses regularly. They get that opportunity quite often in that we are also the type of friends that can count on each other to watch/take/babysit the kids if we need to go somewhere, even in a pinch. She is also the type of friend I can just "drop in on" and end up chatting with for hours about anything and everything. My husband knows if he can't find me, I'm probably at her place. He also knows that if I am going to her place, I probably won't be right back. She is the friend that is the emergency contact on any form I fill out because I know she is always ready and willing to take care of me/us. She is the friend I call in the middle of the night when there is an emergency. She is the friend I bounce ideas and concerns off. Not only does she love me, but she lets me love her too. I've told my husband on many occasions that she is probably the reason we moved into this neighborhood eight years ago.... the Lord knew I would need her.

What are five things YOU are thankful for TODAY?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Dealing with my Blessings...

I am going to type my entry before I title it, especially since I don't have anything special or enlightening to share. I just have need to brain dump my day. Here goes...

Up this morning at 5:00 (supposed to be 3:00 to catch up on transcription from a fabulous weekend of much-needed camping with friends). Unfortunately, I didn't finish before my first piano lesson arrived at 8:00. I taught six students until 11:15 and felt like I'd already worked a full day. Side note: I love teaching these kids... Most of them teenagers that actually like to be at my house! I LOVE that I can be joking with them, exchanging jibes and teasings and then the next minute bearing testimony about the Plan of Salvation, the power of music and good friends, and what a joy is it to be associated with such great and noble kids...unique piano lessons at my house wouldn't ya say)!

By time I finished up my sweet, bored, unsupervised, unfed children had taken over the house and left the main living spaces (namely the kitchen and basement family room) a tornado of a mess, not having done any bed-making or chore-doing. As a result, I felt like I had to live the rest of my day in the negative, catching up. Don't like that feeling.

So, since most of what they'd eaten consisted of snacking, I fed them a slightly better lunch and read to them for 30 minutes. (Insert sigh here). Even if I eventually get to putting things back together in my house, that was the highlight. I love reading to my babies.

Unfortunately, a serious case of the sleepies and grumies suddenly set in (not for them, but for me) and I had to urgently get a nap or be in danger of yelling myself silly. Thankfully, the kidlets read books for a majority of mommy's and baby's (though she tells me constantly she's not a baby anymore) naptime. For those who might not know, I have a snack monster that lives at my house and if left unsupervised for one second, will tear the kitchen apart looking for and ravaging anything she can find. Such was the case during this much-needed and useful nap of mine and she left in her wake a hyped up version of what used to be a messy kitchen with bread crumbs and cheese pieces scattered through the place. Wow! She amazes me with her lack of constraint or discreetness.

Yet, here I am at the computer....fighting the thoughts of uselessness and wasted-day-itis typing my thoughts, hoping to get some courage to fight the daily and constant blessed onslaught of motherhood! :)

BUT I need to finish the 2hrs of transcription before I can even think about that, or dinner, or FHE and we are quickly approaching the 5:00 hour... Oh dear... wish me luck...Here's to hoping I start tomorrow with a more executable plan!

In that same vein, I have been talking with and reading blogs of strong women who have to deal with much, much harder daily fights than I think the title of this particular entry will have the word "blessings" somewhere in it...