Choices

So I made a choice today. It's probably one I should have made a long time ago, but it's a hard choice, full of uncertainty. But it was time.

You see, with Jenny's death, ironically a month ago today, I made a decision... to not take my family for granted anymore... to let those precious moments not slip by any longer... to take time to be a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter....not just a distracted, stressed, frustrated, overworked warm body merely trying to survive each day. I was spending so much time wearing multiple hats, trying to balance them all on my head, that I haven't been doing any of them very well for a very long time now. And frankly, that really starts to wear on a person... and the people/things she is responsible to.

So I made a choice today. Some may think it a silly thing that this is such an epiphany for me... it really is seemingly no big deal... but I was stuck in the madness of a quasi-routine that I just couldn't let go of for fear I might lose my white-knuckled grip on everything. Make sense?

Now for more of an explanation. I warn you it will seem very trite when I'm finished, but I choose to see this as pivotal. Now that's interesting... I used that exact word this morning when I ran upstairs about 10 minutes after 7:00 to cuddle with Ryan before the kids woke up... I was anxious and unsettled and I couldn't figure out why... The exact words I used this morning were these, "Can we pray...I'm feeling anxious and don't know why... as if something pivotal is happening today..." How interesting...

Ok, NOW the explanation... I have several part-time work-from-home jobs I try to pull off every week to make it possible for me to stay at home and be "mommy." The saddest part of all is that because my time is so tied up in "working from home," I have yet to be the kind of mommy I yearn to be. Because the income from all my jobs is so limited, I still have yet to earn enough to "make it" financially every month, so I've felt trapped in that there is no way, despite the quality of work I was giving them, my house, or my family that I could sacrifice the income, no matter how meager.

As I mentioned earlier, I've decided once and for all that life is too short. My time with my little family is going by so fast. I've spent the past couple of weeks putting my family first instead of the jobs... and have done better. My house is cleaner, I've spent more quality time with the kids, my temper has not been so trigger-happy, and the Spirit has visited our home more frequently. I've started to invite friends and family over to visit because I choose to cherish relationships now, not just when my house is the way I want it... but my jobs have suffered. My employers have not been happy with me as of late. Though I was completing the work, I was always late... something that particularly "infuriates" one of the people I am accountable to. While the others have been annoyed, they have been understanding for the most part.

But this past weekend, an error on their part combined with an error on my part, combined with my crazy schedule and lack of real time to fix the error in a manner pleasing to them in a time frame pleasing to them, and after hearing the frustration and disgust in her condescending voice yet again, I made the choice this morning to quit. I can't even begin to tell you what the instantaneous relief to my heart and soul felt like once I'd made that choice! While a limited amount of time weekly is really all that is freed as a result, I no longer have to choose them over my children. I no longer have to feel like a failure for not meeting their expectations. I can put that in my past and no longer confront it daily in the present! (insert massive sigh of relief here)!

And just to give an accounting, during the time I "should" have been completing her work, I chose to read to my children who were gathered around me completely engrossed in a new book and the rare quality time we were spending together all cuddled up. My son, in his sweet and sincere honesty, stated as he climbed into bed, "This was the best day ever." And for the first time, in a long time, I felt that I'd made a positive difference in the lives of my children. I chose wisely the way I spent that time... and do not regret it... not for one minute!

So, instead of being upset with her for making this choice an easier one today, I will thank her for her OCD and condescending ways that have caused me to be a disappointment in her eyes. I will thank her for pushing me to the edge of "ENOUGH ALREADY!" In that moment of uncertainty after quitting, that moment of "now what"... I turned to Heavenly Father. First, I sighed... knowing my heart would find solace and respite in the communication with my Father. Second, I apologized for not running it by Him first. Third, I sobbed in gratitude when He sent a beautiful confirmation that this was the right thing to do... my family, not this doctor, needed me... the best of me.

So I made a choice today. All be it, a small choice, a choice nonetheless, for my family. For my/our sanity. One that I would never have imagined would be so hard... but was.

Moving forward, I choose to have faith. Faith that the Lord will provide a way for us to either make it without that income or provide another/better option. Again, trite to some, but pivotal to me. I'm so grateful I am in His constant care... especially in the seemingly small events of the day-to-day.